I still couldn't comprehand what happened. Those scenes, the people, the touch but most importantly..the smell. The smell of blood..so strong it felt like...like it was just next to me.

Perhaps it was because the lack of sleep that made my mind went wary. Perhaps I was just too tired.. 

It may be a dream. Something unreal..but it doesn't feel quite right.. I don't believe it's going to end just here.

x Rant x

A sudden realisation hit me.

After days having glimpse of a familiar scene, it dawned on me that this is no mere dream..this is visit of a long lost memory. And now that I had finally gotten the whole picture, wouldn't it be nice to pen it down?

The Eight Year Old

Posters, magazines, TV shows, music videos and even advertisements. They are everywhere. Who? Sexy hot babes that's who. How a simple image could influenced me so much was just unexpected. Especially when I was only 8 years old (well, give and take 1 year). I have always been intrigued with girls' dressings & impressing others and from what I've observed, less is more. Girls who shows off their contours are more likely to receive more looks and smiles. Those who hide and had their head down are the ones that are often ignored. Of course I was too young to understand the beauty of flirtation and seduction but there is just something about girls with sexy skimpy clothes that made me want to be one or even, be with one. And truth be told, I never really understood why I get excited upon looking at seductive girls especially the ones with a great rack and a lean body.

And remember those times when you were all young and innocent that you find intimacy scenes yucky? Or that you don't understand what's going on at all so you just close your eyes anyway (because your folks told you to, perhaps)? Of course the first few times I would abide but after some time, I would sneak a peak. And from just a squint, it became to an eye which then leads to both and in the end, I just stopped covering entirely. During playtime, I would get my barbie dolls discreetly to play make out with each other and undress them both. And when that wasn't enough, for every erotic scene I caught my eye on unknowingly from the TV, I'll play it in my head at night trading places with the male lead with myself instead.

I imagined having the lead actress stripping in front of me, with her silky night gown slowly dropping to the floor exposing her soft skin naked body, touching herself all over with her soft moans and lip biting. Naturally, it got me excited. I remembered moving my hips towards my long thick bolster emulating just like the lead actor, doing a little dry humping almost immediately. Surprisingly, it felt good. I started fiddling with myself, rubbing my lady part with thoughts of her playing with me. Over and over. I didn't know what I was doing but I kept rubbing and humping until what I felt was my climax. I would always end up breathing heavily right after and fantasizing even more, sometimes altering the scenes to suit my mood. This goes on for days and nights, whenever I'm aroused and alone.

Inevitably, I was caught by my sister not long after because she was confused (and perhaps somewhat disturbed) with my "bolster action" in the middle of the night and thus, told my parents about it the next morning. Indubitably, I was "summoned" right before bedtime by my dad. Being only 8 years old, once you were summoned, you know indefinitely that you did something wrong. So he sat me down, "lectured" me of sorts about rights and wrong in treating my bolster & my body parts (without specifically mentioning the obvious) and tucked me in bed right after, trusting that I wouldn't engage in such acts any more. I gave him my word so I stopped entirely.

I still couldn't quite understand why and what I was doing but all I know, it felt really good and I want more of it. Such sensation couldn't just be forgotten without a trace and with all those scenes replaying in my mind, they weren't exactly helping me to keep my promise. It wasn't until 2 years later when it hit me. Thanks to a girl in school who kept jeering to the all boys that masturbated, I was forced to know the meaning of this word only to realise that I've been doing it all along! That's when I realised, I had to break my word. Sorry daddy.



x Once Upon a Time x

A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow. - Charlotte Brontë

Is it a curse or a blessing to wish for more time?

Crossroad.

x Rant x